"I'm Gonna Talk To Your Manager"

Sometimes when you're emotionally full it can be overwhelming to do things you want to do, like creative endeavors such as entering an illustration contest that requires three illustrations. Even if I was given more time to do this, there is no way I would finish it without pushing myself to go through it. Art should not have to be a painful process if it's something you love, but sometimes it's a love-hate relationship that goes back and forth, sometimes hanging on the hate end longer than the love end than you would anticipate.

I suppose I should clarify. I don't hate art right now. It's closer to the symptoms of writer's block. The feeling of "you're not allowed to concentrate on something you want to do because you have a zillion other things waiting in line to be done, in fact they are like those impatient "I'm gonna talk to your manager" moms that do not have time for your anxiety or lack of emotional capacity".

I'm trying to teach my imaginary manager phrases like "fuck off", but it's a struggle because my imaginary manager believes I can do everything and then some, I can provide all and more for these impatient-tapping-their-toes-waiting-in-line-people what they demand.

I'm trying to teach her phrases like "no" and "come back in few years" and "if you have nothing nice to say then research how to be decent person and return with a 10 page essay, no more, no less".

These people in line include creative projects and regular life priorities. Like, I have to make deodorant today because I will run out this week. Yeah. I make my own deodorant. I'm one of those people. Have I've been telling my manager to put off making deodorant? Hell yeah I have. I have been putting it off as long as I possibly can, but now I have reached the point where I will legitimately run out and that would be bad news, so this lady in line has fumes coming out of her nostrils and she smells like b.o. I can't hide behind my manager any more.

When I don't have time to process through my emotions, little things get to me and any small task feels like a heavy burden.

At work the other day my coworker was casually talking to me about my dad and she said something that actually made start to cry. That isn't a normal occurance for me.

One of my housemates makes me feel like I'm back in high school again where I get cut off in conversation and she's saying things for me. Like, she'll have a friend over, I'll be in the room, her friend will ask me a question, and I'll start, but my housemate will finish for me. Like, can you let me speak for myself? Horrific flashbacks.

The same housemate pointed out my commute was going to make my life depressing. Thank you. Thank you So Much for that reminder.

Lately I have been feeling like I am the only one able to emotionally support myself and while that isn't right, I'm also doing my best to emotionally support other people close to me and it's draining my energy to keep up with my own life!

This is no way to lead a life, but how can I just change it? It's not like I can just magically be freelance illustrator and do that for a living. It's not like I can just quit my job. I can't afford it. There is no magical button for anything in life.

I have to be content, but unsatisfied. I have to be ambitious, but still get enough sleep. I have to work work work, but also, pray pray pray.

It's something I have to push through, I just wish I knew for how long.