It's Been A Hot Minute, Hasn't it?

 I know. I know! It's been a hot minute since I shared anything on here.

Truth is I have been busy... but also, I have not been sure about what to write about. I do know that I miss writing though and I should jump back into it. I miss my monthly reflections on things because whenever I would do so it would help clear my head a bit. Lately it's been pretty jumbled in there so I may as well try to do some untangling now.

Many things have happened since I last wrote in here. Here are a few milestones:

I received my ADHD diagnosis in late January and have been taking some medication and it has been helping.

I got married!

We moved into *our* new place!

My grandfather passed away.

I am signing up to be a craft vendor for the first time in ages (although I've only done it once before).

I've had 3 therapists "abandon" me since starting therapy in December 2020 (they either changed clinics or schedules) and currently do not have one... but I have new insurance so I need to find a better place anyway!

I have been struggling with family drama. Not drama I am directly involved with... just that it has been affecting me emotionally, and it worries me that it will be affecting my relationship with my extended family members.

My day job has become extremely overwhelming... to the point where I get anxious about going into work on a daily basis. It's Sunday night and my brain does not want me to sleep because that means when I wake up I have to get ready for work. It's awful. Granted, the circumstances have recently changed... it's less bad now... but it's still an environment that I am constantly feeling a pit of anxiety in. It's back to where I was in March 2020 and I really, really, don't like it. If I could keep just the one part of my job that I took on during the pandemic and leave out what I was hired to do in the first place it would be much more tolerable but the truth is I am sick of the toxic work dynamics I have to put up with daily and I am overwhelmed by the dread of doing things incorrectly where I am forced to leave without an income to fall back on. It makes me want to throw up. I feel stagnant but trapped at the same time. Which is awful.. because sometimes when I am overwhelmed with those feelings they overlap with parts of my life that are unrelated- like being married and living in a state I never thought I'd end up living in. 

I love that our new place that we live in we could just walk to the water. It's about a 10 minute walk to the water, 15 minutes to the "beach". I love that we are close to their mini downtown area. It's a lovely little spot. I've always had a bias against this state so the toxic workplace I feel stuck in does not help when I get homesick for other places I have lived. It's not where I live is the issue... it's the work environment... but I am struggling to find a way out. How can we afford to keep living here if I quit? You know? It's stressing me out and I hate it so much. I want to enjoy my day job, I really do, but I just can't. 

But like I said, recently, it has become Less Bad, because they hired somebody to help me out with things and they are actually helpful, and we get along pretty well. Now working there has become a bit more tolerable. But I still feel sick to my stomach about working there. 

I have this deep fear if I leave there is no way I could succeed in accomplishing what I want to do For Real, which is write and illustrate books on top of my own artwork and other items I sell online because so far that success has been impossible for me to accomplish. Now with my ADHD diagnosis and medication and therapy and such it feels slightly more possible... but it's just... I am still afraid. I am still afraid I will fail... or that if I do succeed I won't know how to keep succeeding and it will all fall apart.