Feeling Defeated
When one is looking for a job for several months after having graduated college but keeps receiving rejection after rejection they start to believe that not only they were set up for failure, but that they ARE a failure.
That is how I have been feeling the past couple of weeks, even though I know failure is bound to happen before success, whether it be a few times or a seemingly endless amount.
I am not going to allow myself to wallow in misery (although I have been). I want to be a writer and an illustrator and yet I keep doing things that do not lead directly to that because each time I try the direct route I am turned away or ignored.
The only way for me to become a published/paid writer and illustrator is for me to BE a writer and illustrator. I need to write, I need to illustrate. I need to keep building my portfolio, keep doing what I love to do. However, it's becoming exhausting to do what I love to do.
I know for a fact I not only easily fall out of routine, but also get sucked into self-pity and woe. Depression is a battle I thought I won a few years ago, and I was right! I did! My mistake was I thought depression and anxiety was a battle, and not a war. For a few years I have had a relatively peaceful mind, but right now it is a battle every single day, and I have developed a habit of losing.
To whoever believes mental illness is the source of art, creativity, etc... you are wrong. Mental illness is nobody's muse but an outsider's.
I do not feel defeated by the hiring managers who believe I am unworthy of their open positions. I feel defeated by my own hand and by own mind.
You may have thought this was going to be a motivational post - I'm sorry to disappoint you. Sometimes that's just how it is.
With every rejection I am reminded that is where I am not meant to be. God has other plans and that's okay. I will get where I need to go because right now I am where I am supposed to be.
I want to be a writer and illustrator.
I need to write. I need to illustrate.
That's why I have this blog.
Thank you for reading!
That is how I have been feeling the past couple of weeks, even though I know failure is bound to happen before success, whether it be a few times or a seemingly endless amount.
I am not going to allow myself to wallow in misery (although I have been). I want to be a writer and an illustrator and yet I keep doing things that do not lead directly to that because each time I try the direct route I am turned away or ignored.
The only way for me to become a published/paid writer and illustrator is for me to BE a writer and illustrator. I need to write, I need to illustrate. I need to keep building my portfolio, keep doing what I love to do. However, it's becoming exhausting to do what I love to do.
I know for a fact I not only easily fall out of routine, but also get sucked into self-pity and woe. Depression is a battle I thought I won a few years ago, and I was right! I did! My mistake was I thought depression and anxiety was a battle, and not a war. For a few years I have had a relatively peaceful mind, but right now it is a battle every single day, and I have developed a habit of losing.
To whoever believes mental illness is the source of art, creativity, etc... you are wrong. Mental illness is nobody's muse but an outsider's.
I do not feel defeated by the hiring managers who believe I am unworthy of their open positions. I feel defeated by my own hand and by own mind.
You may have thought this was going to be a motivational post - I'm sorry to disappoint you. Sometimes that's just how it is.
With every rejection I am reminded that is where I am not meant to be. God has other plans and that's okay. I will get where I need to go because right now I am where I am supposed to be.
I want to be a writer and illustrator.
I need to write. I need to illustrate.
That's why I have this blog.
Thank you for reading!
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