Now Everything Makes Sense

I realize I haven’t written here in a very good while and I DO sincerely apologize to all of my readers (are there like, 3 of you?) but I have some solid excuses.

Due to several factors, I became extremely overwhelmed with a lot of things going on in my life and a lot of tasks I had to (or still need to) accomplish. Because of that, I have ultimately resorted to not being able to finish any of these important tasks.

 

It occurred to me only a week ago, or rather, I allowed myself to think about it… that I have not created a single, complete, illustration (background, foreground, a complete picture that was not a spot illustration like how my greeting cards are), since I graduated college. I graduated college 4 years ago.

 

And before I allowed myself to spiral into a depressive state which is what would normally happen if I allowed myself to think about that, I thought, “I just CANNOT live like this anymore. It’s not me. I have so many ideas that I think of and write down that I never seem to be able to finish. How am I supposed to go after my dream life if I don’t take the steps to figure out how to work with my brain the way it is?

 

Because it turns out, as I have since reflected on, I have had ADHD in my entire life and this year it really started to affect my life in a very poor way, much worse than it ever had before.

 

Now before you roll your eyes at me, listen first. Yes, I should try to go to a psych doctor to get properly diagnosed instead of just self-diagnosing, I want to, eventually, but at the moment I am not quite there yet.

 

I have tried to convince myself off and on that my brain is just trying to convince me I have ADHD, that I’m just making stuff up, or perhaps something else is going on that is masking symptoms, but after reading Quite A Number Of Articles about ADHD in women and why it often goes undiagnosed for years and years and years… like… wow. Every symptom listed describes my life experience since like 4^th grade! Mind-blown.

 

Now, you think, Okay, but what will this self-diagnosis change? What will an official diagnosis change?

 

There are so many things I can do before trying prescribed medication to help me, which is what I’m trying to do for now. For the past 2 years or so, especially in the past year, I have clung to my coping mechanisms so incredibly tightly that I have not been able to break out of any bad habits or into any real good habits, and with living without roommates combined with the pandemic and planning a wedding, I kind of got pushed over the edge. I just Could Not function, I Could Not stay on top of literally anything I tried to set my mind to, like… basic hygiene, basic chores, my own art projects, wedding stuff… I kind of broke down and cried because literally nothing seemed to help, and even my fiancé would try, but our brains are hard-wired so differently the way he accomplishes his daily tasks just does not compute in my circuits.

 

And then I went for a check up with a primary care doctor and she kind of dismissed my concerns without even a referral. That was the tipping point for me, like, even my own doctor that I’ve come to for assistance can’t even refer me to someone, it just feels hopeless!

 

But I knew, about a week after that, that I had to try harder than ever before, and I had to ask for help, from my fiancé, from my friends, from my family, from the internet… I needed a way to prioritize my tasks and to make sure I did them… and there are so many different things to try that I have done before but one thing that I hadn’t done yet was to set a bunch of alarms for all of the tasks I needed to do for the day. I knew that this may not become a daily necessity, but it seemed like a really good start to make sure I did things I wasn’t allowed to forget or procrastinate on.

 

Friday night I set 18 different alarms for Saturday, some with a 15 minute interval, others with an hour interval. I figured out that for the 15 minute intervals I would do chores because it’s enough time to get some things done but not too long that I would get tired of it. The hour intervals were more for the art I had to do- if I didn’t have the intervals I would keep going for hours and forget to eat or get up and stretch. And whenever I gave myself the time to eat it was also an allowance to relax, look at social media, do whatever. I made sure I gave myself an hour to go for a walk, and at the same time, talk to my friend on the phone, because for now, that is the only way to convince myself it’s not a waste of time to exercise. Maybe later it will feel more like a priority, but in my brain, if my dishes aren’t done or if my art project isn’t finished…. I’m not allowed to go for a walk until that’s done. But I never get them done, so I never walk. Do you see my problem??

 

But I would consider Saturday was definitely a success. It was only my first day in trying this out so I was excited to do it, it didn’t feel impossible. But I tend to get tired of one routine after not too long and if I don’t create a new routine I will just …not have a routine. It’s always an endless cycle!

 

Sunday, I did nearly the same thing. I set my alarms the morning of while I was eating breakfast. It was harder for me to stay focused on my art for hour intervals that day, I might have to change that whenever I notice I’m starting to feel that way. But! I did finish my final drawing (except for a pair of hands, but I don’t feel guilty about that, I am going to do that today!), and it was what I absolutely needed to accomplish, and I had time to spare.

 

Did I make my apartment spotless? No. I still have a long way to go. But cleaning in 15 min intervals is definitely a solid start for me, and we’ll see how I go from there.

 

I am excited to jump into Actually Creating A Children’s Book Portfolio, but I am going to get my brain in working order first, and finish my current commissions. For the first time, it actually seems… feasible.

 

Anyway, I have many more thoughts on my undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression, but for now, that is what I leave with you. Thank you for keeping up with my ups and downs. 

x