"Shut Up, Kyle"

Do you ever feel like you have to come to terms with your mental health over and over again?

This whole shut-down and quarantine and then starting back at work again feels like my brain has been put through a blender and poured back in as if it's ready to go now.

I thought perhaps if I was forced to stay home I would use that opportunity to work on my portfolio and my other creative pursuits but for the most part, that is not what happened. Instead, I was reminded that depression and anxiety is all too real in my brain but since I was never formally diagnosed with any mental issues I like to pretend they're just phases of my life I go through and they're all circumstantial. Yesterday though, it hit me, again, that I have suffered from depression and anxiety since as far back as middle school. I wanted things to be wrong with me because then at least I could blame something for it but what could I blame? I have had a pretty good relationship with my parents and siblings for all of my life but... I experienced such a deep loneliness at school I questioned my purpose and my worth. I thought to myself, well it's because it's middle school. And then, because it's high school. Middle school and high school are terrible for everyone, right? Anyone in their right mind did not have a pleasant overall middle school or high school experience? Right?

But all of my brothers have had a pretty decent high school experience. As far as I know they don't try to block out most of it like I do. Sure, they didn't have a close friend to them in their class die from cancer their senior year like I did, but that really had nothing to do with how I was feeling the first 3 years. It contributed, but it wasn't the cause.

And then in college I felt like I made real friends and I kicked the depression and anxiety to the curb. There was pit in my stomach gradually developing though, a sinking feeling that ultimately I was set up for failure. That my childhood dreams were never meant to happen. The periods I actually believed in myself were sporadic. This I believed was the curse of art school, it had nothing to do with me. Besides, I had dancing. Even though in the beginning it was rough making friends, I managed to push through and it really was the greatest part of my college experience. I barely made any Catholic friends so I did feel lonely at Mass but it barely mattered, I was so busy it didn't matter.

Then I graduated and in a somewhat desperate attempt to move to DC so I could somehow start my life there in some way I applied to do a year of Franciscan service. I didn't think there was any way else I was going to be able to move out of state. I thought if I didn't take this chance, I was likely to be stuck at home forever and my doomed ultimate failures would stomp me down before I could even get the chance to start. Living in the DC area and working with a community reminded a lot of what I felt like was meant to do spiritually for my life to which I am grateful but it certainly felt like I just decided to put my illustration dreams on hold. It was an excuse to stop working on things I liked to do but really stressed out about if I had to do it for money.

Basically, every time I went into a spiral downward of depression or anxiety I was able to blame my circumstances somehow, and I believed if I got out of those circumstances my mental health would change. At the beginning of each change it would seem that way but ultimately my brain always finds a way to be sad and apathetic. I feel like I have so much to give but never the energy to create. I couldn't believe how I was stuck in quarantine it took incredible will power... just to get up out of bed each morning. If it took all of my energy to get up, how could I expect myself to be able to anything else? Everything else that was more of a priority took precedence and the rest of my motivation and energy and yet, somehow I still couldn't complete those tasks either. Over and over again I just feel like a complete failure at being a human. It shouldn't be that hard to wash the dishes and do laundry, why is it such a monumental task in my brain? It shouldn't be that hard to clear the table and set up to start drawing or painting, why does it feel impossible? I feel like I never have time to do anything but then I was stuck in quarantine with all of the time in the world... and I still didn't have time to do anything. How is that possible?!

In the times I've recognized my problems I would reach out. I have spoken to spiritual directors who have told me I should talk to a psychiatrist. I have spoken to psychiatrists that have told me I should talk to a life coach. So which is it? Nobody seemed to want to help me. They see something is wrong but they don't want to be the one to unpack it. Am I just that good at hiding it that these professionals think there isn't an actual mental health issue? I don't like admitting when I am feeling depressed, I feel embarrassed. Like I shouldn't be experiencing it, I don't deserve to.

I also recognize I haven't been out dancing for a very long time which has greatly contributed to the way I have been feeling and now that no one can go out dancing it only makes me even more sad. The loneliness I had felt since middle school... always feels like it evaporates when I go out dancing.

Of course talking with others over video chat and being with my fiance helps me forget about that loneliness but it's still there. I can never seem to get rid of it completely.

I read something somewhere about someone deciding to name her depression "Kyle". She wouldn't be able to take some frat boy dude bro named Kyle seriously so she named it "Kyle", so if her depression told her she was destined for failure she'd just say "shut up, Kyle" and that really helped. Since I have achieved a great many minor accomplishments out of spite I think that might help me too, I just have to stay out of the denial that "Kyle" doesn't exist.

Anyway, being on your period does not help so that is also why I've probably felt a little excessively sad the past few days but I need you to know I'm okay. It's just... been blah. I wish I didn't have to go to work but if I didn't I'm not sure where I would be right now. I kind of wish I had a reset button for my brain so that anytime I spiraled downward I would just push the button and I'd go back to the beginning and try again but life doesn't quite allow for that simplicity, does it?