"Your Life Looks Sexy Pushed Back"

Mean girls reference, anyone?

Okay, there's a reason I used this quote. From around this time last year to now, it feels like every step forward I have taken I get pushed a few steps back.

1. I was in an art show, I made a little money from it!
1. The amount of work and effort put into it was so overwhelming that everything else made me put all of my art goals on the back burner
2. I stopped making a greeting card once a month and barely created any art of substance for nearly a year
2. I bought my first car! Step one to moving closer to S/O complete!
1. It does not pass inspection
2. I get into a car accident
3. I end up paying much more for the car than I originally anticipated
3. I decide that since my 6 month lease on the room I'm renting is ending that I want to live month to month since I want to find a job elsewhere and be able to bounce easily
1. Nobody wants to hire me despite my countless job applications
2. Come July my landlord decides she wants to kick me out and gave me 60 days to leave
3. My newest housemate at the time nearly busted down my door (punched a crack in it) over minor petty roommate squabbling (also he was drunk) so for the last week of living there I stayed at my friends' place until I could move
4. Cousins whom I had only met twice in my life probably have offered a place for me to stay until I find a job, understanding I want to live closer to my S/O, expecting for me to stay about 2 months for which I am eternally grateful
1. One month goes by and I'm apparently obviously depressed because my cousin points out all of the signs that I'm showing
2. 2 months go by and nobody seems to want to hire me, I'm feeling like a total failure
3. I get either a bulging or herniated disc (sciatica, yay) and tennis elbow making it difficult to do ordinary tasks like creating things for my portfolio, typing, driving, picking things up, making me question my life and what I'm meant to do
5. I find a chiropractor to help me out and turns out she was thinking about hiring an Au Pair for her adorable 2 year old so that's the plan BUT
1. they're not moving into their new house until late November, things change last minute very often with them
2. It's not the best living situation, I will have kind of a private space but not really at the same time
3. They expect me to do this for about 6 months when I thought it might be a year (but honestly 6 months would be much more ideal anyway...if I find a job replacement)
6. My arm is finally healing, plus I was able to paint a Christmas card, maybe I can edit it?
1. No, it it is time for your computer hard drive to die, pay for it to get fixed please, now you won't be able to meet the deadline you set for yourself just like every other deadline you make and never meet because of the failure you are
7. Okay but at least you have some cards saved on a USB and you need to get them printed pronto
1. You ask the people to trim them, you arrive after they say it's ready, they are not trimmed so you have to try hard not to be a Karen and express your complaint and wait patiently as they trim the cards in the following 20 minutes
8. Okay, computer is fixed, all files were able to be saved, great
1. But you need to reinstall everything and you do not remember the serial number for clip studio paint and now you no longer have access to the adobe suite, you're welcome
2. Some things cannot be installed because the computer people updated you to Windows 10, but, the least updated version... so you have to take a few hours to figure out how to force another update because it won't automatically
9. My sciatica is slowly getting better (I think?) as long as I do these exercises about 5 times a day
1. I am impatient and really depressed I can't go dancing conveniently nor physically
2. I'm worried I'll permanently have some sort of neuropathy affecting my left leg for eternity, my feet getting cold really easily does not help 
3. You've had one or two anxiety attacks preventing you from sleeping
4. You can't seem to wake up early to get started on the day
10. You were able to contact a Catholic therapist in the area that might be able to help you
1. But will you be able to afford to see her?
2. Will it really make a difference?
3. You're proud of yourself for making your baby steps to get help but you're also too proud to ask for help, you're worried that the help you find won't be the help you need
4. What if your negative feelings and thoughts were right all along and moving here was a mistake? What if all of it was for naught? Where will you go? What will you do?

So yeah, my brain has been filled with a lot of negative self talk lately. I'm not completely hopeless, I know this Au Pair position will be good in the long...short run... this way I can be close to my chiropractor as my body heals and it gives me an opportunity to really focus on a lot of my goals of bettering my mental/emotional/physical health and well being. The greeting card company that I have been trying to get a hold for a few years actually called me back last week and asked me to send me a cover letter and my portfolio/resume, so there's a small hope in that. It has just been incredibly frustrating that every time I make a positive choice or something good happens, 10 terrible things follow it and it brings me down every time. 

So....

That's my life as of right now! I trying to stay motivated and remind myself that there are reasons in all of this and good things to come. I'm not dead yet, I still got work to do! It will be okay. Stay strong, friends!