I'm Selfish That Way
Hello friends,
Wow this week has been sucky, and this whole month has had its ups and downs. Mostly downs. I believe I have contracted the flu and I strongly believe if I just had gotten a few extra hours of sleep this past week I would have been fine. But no, my brain was like: "stay awake, you must" and so even though I left a dance early I still couldn't get to sleep until after midnight.
I've had to deal with my extremely difficult to communicate with landlord and now I've found out that the utilities costs are outrageous but I'm trying not to complain because she didn't/couldn't deposit my first few rent checks so I have a tiny bit of money to make up for it. The reason the electric bill is so high is because I have been using the space heater for sure, but the reason I've been using the space heater is because the heat doesn't work upstairs, not really. And she doesn't do anything about it and the few times she has sent someone to check it out it just HAPPENED to be working at those times.
My housing situation has also changed a little. We all have individual leases in one house, and it used to be 3 girls, 1 dude, then it changed to 2 girls, 2 dudes, and now it's me and 3 dudes. They are all black, 1 is around my age, the other two are closer to retirement age ( the new one just had heart surgery?). Not a single one of them is good at communicating, but at least I know the guy my age is more or less on the same page as me. We don't talk much, but we both are frustrated with the landlord and we both don't quite understand our other housemates.
I have been trying my hardest at applying for jobs to move out of here so I can eliminate the LD in my LDR. I want to move out of this house as soon as I can, but I don't want to move unless it's actually closer to my significant other because moving is hard and exhausting and I don't want to keep doing it every year. And I know my portfolio doesn't look great when it comes to looking for graphic design positions or anything else and I know I should make things to put in my portfolio, but it has been hard. It shouldn't be THAT hard, but it has been.
I used to think dancing cured my depression but the past few months have led me to believe otherwise. I was thinking about it recently, and I think I have been more depressed and anxious since moving to this house. I still think dancing helps, but living here has made it so much worse, especially while I was figuring out my car issues and things. It's very lonely in this house and because I've been depressed I haven't been good at taking care of myself, at making art, at just keeping my room even a little bit tidy... last weekend I actually got some stuff done and it felt good. It was the first time in a long time I was able to get out of bed in the morning to do stuff. I even did some "graphic design", do you want to see? I made this for a shirt and I ordered it, just for me. Maybe I could sell it, but I wanted one just for me to say I finally did it. I hope it comes out okay.
And now I have the flu. I'm not sure what God is trying to tell me. I know my circumstances need to change, but what do they need to change to besides getting out of this house? I know what I want. I want to magically get offered a book illustration deal and then I can work from home which means I could live anywhere I want, go anywhere I want. But that means I need to make art. And I've been too depressed and apathetic to make anything real. Am I even supposed to illustrate books? What am I really meant to do on this Earrh, God? I know I want to write them too, but again, just look at the state I am in.
I know these are just excuses. Plenty of authors and illustrators suffered through awfulness such as mental illness and unfortunate circumstances and still was able to push themselves to create. I haven't. And that makes me feel like a failure. I'm sorry past me, for not living up to your true potential, to what up hoped to be. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you gets better but all I can say is you should have done life a little differently. You shouldn't have waited for college. You shouldn't have waited for anything. You should have just DONE it. Here we are in the present with nothing you wanted accomplished. Nothing you TRULY wanted, accomplished. I know. I'm only 25. But what can I say? I'm a millenial. I'm selfish that way.
Wow this week has been sucky, and this whole month has had its ups and downs. Mostly downs. I believe I have contracted the flu and I strongly believe if I just had gotten a few extra hours of sleep this past week I would have been fine. But no, my brain was like: "stay awake, you must" and so even though I left a dance early I still couldn't get to sleep until after midnight.I've had to deal with my extremely difficult to communicate with landlord and now I've found out that the utilities costs are outrageous but I'm trying not to complain because she didn't/couldn't deposit my first few rent checks so I have a tiny bit of money to make up for it. The reason the electric bill is so high is because I have been using the space heater for sure, but the reason I've been using the space heater is because the heat doesn't work upstairs, not really. And she doesn't do anything about it and the few times she has sent someone to check it out it just HAPPENED to be working at those times.
My housing situation has also changed a little. We all have individual leases in one house, and it used to be 3 girls, 1 dude, then it changed to 2 girls, 2 dudes, and now it's me and 3 dudes. They are all black, 1 is around my age, the other two are closer to retirement age ( the new one just had heart surgery?). Not a single one of them is good at communicating, but at least I know the guy my age is more or less on the same page as me. We don't talk much, but we both are frustrated with the landlord and we both don't quite understand our other housemates.
I have been trying my hardest at applying for jobs to move out of here so I can eliminate the LD in my LDR. I want to move out of this house as soon as I can, but I don't want to move unless it's actually closer to my significant other because moving is hard and exhausting and I don't want to keep doing it every year. And I know my portfolio doesn't look great when it comes to looking for graphic design positions or anything else and I know I should make things to put in my portfolio, but it has been hard. It shouldn't be THAT hard, but it has been.I used to think dancing cured my depression but the past few months have led me to believe otherwise. I was thinking about it recently, and I think I have been more depressed and anxious since moving to this house. I still think dancing helps, but living here has made it so much worse, especially while I was figuring out my car issues and things. It's very lonely in this house and because I've been depressed I haven't been good at taking care of myself, at making art, at just keeping my room even a little bit tidy... last weekend I actually got some stuff done and it felt good. It was the first time in a long time I was able to get out of bed in the morning to do stuff. I even did some "graphic design", do you want to see? I made this for a shirt and I ordered it, just for me. Maybe I could sell it, but I wanted one just for me to say I finally did it. I hope it comes out okay.
And now I have the flu. I'm not sure what God is trying to tell me. I know my circumstances need to change, but what do they need to change to besides getting out of this house? I know what I want. I want to magically get offered a book illustration deal and then I can work from home which means I could live anywhere I want, go anywhere I want. But that means I need to make art. And I've been too depressed and apathetic to make anything real. Am I even supposed to illustrate books? What am I really meant to do on this Earrh, God? I know I want to write them too, but again, just look at the state I am in.I know these are just excuses. Plenty of authors and illustrators suffered through awfulness such as mental illness and unfortunate circumstances and still was able to push themselves to create. I haven't. And that makes me feel like a failure. I'm sorry past me, for not living up to your true potential, to what up hoped to be. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you gets better but all I can say is you should have done life a little differently. You shouldn't have waited for college. You shouldn't have waited for anything. You should have just DONE it. Here we are in the present with nothing you wanted accomplished. Nothing you TRULY wanted, accomplished. I know. I'm only 25. But what can I say? I'm a millenial. I'm selfish that way.
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