Open My Heart, Lord...
I would normally consider myself an optimistic person, but if I were to shine a light on the details of my life, you would see that I fill my time with countless distractions that prevent my pursuit of happiness.
It can be hard to have a full-time job with a long commute that leaves you mentally and physically exhausted when you know you have better things to do but those better things won't pay your student loans. In fact, I've played this card numerous times, I've used it as an excuse for a lot of things. It's an excuse for me not doing as much art as would like. It's an excuse for not doing as much exercise, not as much dancing, not keeping in touch with my friends and family. I think it took root when I got my root canal and crown, pardon the pun.
I remember vividly walking home from the dentist sobbing the whole way, I remember showing up at the endodontist unable to hide my emotional reaction. I was scared! I barely had a job and was already taking out of my savings, I was scared that I was not going to have enough money not only for my future, but for my present. I know I have a lot of teeth problems, it was only a matter of time.
As I continued to get my teeth fixed, my dentist continues to take pity on me and lower costs (which I am extremely grateful for, Lord knows I can barely afford it) but it has made me feel manipulative and ashamed for my circumstances at the same time.
In order to ignore all of my problems, I have found endless distractions, which in turn, have not done well for my mental or physical health. I am a pretty high introvert who needs her alone time to just think but as soon as I have alone time, it is rare that I think at all. I'll scroll through Tumblr, I'll play music to fill the silence (despite my internal screaming when my roommate practices her instrument), I'll watch a TV show that has little plot... etc.
Hold on though, it gets worse. When I start to ignore my own problems, I somehow get self-absorbed and tend to ignore other people's problems as well. When my roommates are talking to me I'm not really listening, when a customer is explaining the meaning of the art they brought in all I can think of is how much I don't like their voice, even when I'm on the phone I half listen, half scroll through the internet, not really paying attention to either, just wasting my life on a leaf blowing through the wind of time, never going up or down.
This week I have reflected a lot on just how self-absorbed I have gotten, and how much I don't listen and let me tell you: Too Much. It's been awful, and not fair to the people around me that I care about.
Advice for myself and my fellow readers:
Take some time to listen to God without talking back. Or the nature, or white noise, whatever you milennials want to name the Holy Spirit these days, just keep your mouth shut for a bit.
Put away your distractions, whatever they may be, and do something you need to do for yourself, for example, take a shower, or pray, or draw, play some music, it could be anything that is important to your well-being. And then think of something you should do for someone else, like your roommate, or significant other, or sibling, etc. Do that.
Do this every day, or at the very least, start doing it every week. Trust me, things will start looking up no matter how long your commute is.
(Also, help me get the"Open My Eyes, Lord" hymn out of my head, it's so catchy).
It can be hard to have a full-time job with a long commute that leaves you mentally and physically exhausted when you know you have better things to do but those better things won't pay your student loans. In fact, I've played this card numerous times, I've used it as an excuse for a lot of things. It's an excuse for me not doing as much art as would like. It's an excuse for not doing as much exercise, not as much dancing, not keeping in touch with my friends and family. I think it took root when I got my root canal and crown, pardon the pun.
I remember vividly walking home from the dentist sobbing the whole way, I remember showing up at the endodontist unable to hide my emotional reaction. I was scared! I barely had a job and was already taking out of my savings, I was scared that I was not going to have enough money not only for my future, but for my present. I know I have a lot of teeth problems, it was only a matter of time.
As I continued to get my teeth fixed, my dentist continues to take pity on me and lower costs (which I am extremely grateful for, Lord knows I can barely afford it) but it has made me feel manipulative and ashamed for my circumstances at the same time.In order to ignore all of my problems, I have found endless distractions, which in turn, have not done well for my mental or physical health. I am a pretty high introvert who needs her alone time to just think but as soon as I have alone time, it is rare that I think at all. I'll scroll through Tumblr, I'll play music to fill the silence (despite my internal screaming when my roommate practices her instrument), I'll watch a TV show that has little plot... etc.
Hold on though, it gets worse. When I start to ignore my own problems, I somehow get self-absorbed and tend to ignore other people's problems as well. When my roommates are talking to me I'm not really listening, when a customer is explaining the meaning of the art they brought in all I can think of is how much I don't like their voice, even when I'm on the phone I half listen, half scroll through the internet, not really paying attention to either, just wasting my life on a leaf blowing through the wind of time, never going up or down.
This week I have reflected a lot on just how self-absorbed I have gotten, and how much I don't listen and let me tell you: Too Much. It's been awful, and not fair to the people around me that I care about.
Advice for myself and my fellow readers:
Take some time to listen to God without talking back. Or the nature, or white noise, whatever you milennials want to name the Holy Spirit these days, just keep your mouth shut for a bit.
Put away your distractions, whatever they may be, and do something you need to do for yourself, for example, take a shower, or pray, or draw, play some music, it could be anything that is important to your well-being. And then think of something you should do for someone else, like your roommate, or significant other, or sibling, etc. Do that.
Do this every day, or at the very least, start doing it every week. Trust me, things will start looking up no matter how long your commute is.
(Also, help me get the"Open My Eyes, Lord" hymn out of my head, it's so catchy).
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